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I can’t believe I’m writing this :(
happy birthday mom in heaven I cannot believe I am not going to be with you celebrating . I thought we had more time , what happened to you was horrible no one deserves that kind of death. I didn’t get to say goodbye I didn’t get to tell you things that I wanted to say because I thought we had time. Most of us who loves you knows life wasn’t easy for you but tried so much to make days like to special for you. Here is some of the great times that we shared together celebrating your birthdays . I did my best to try to give you as much happiness as I can possibly give you. my beautiful mother you were my best friend , I was so lucky to have someone that I can confide in about anything , do so much with. We were the best of friends we never had an argument . I treasure all the times with you it’s very difficult for me to except that you’re not here and I know that I have no choice and I have to learn to live a totally different life now because you’re not here . I promise you that my children and my granddaughter will never ever forget you. I even made Daniela a special book with only pictures of you and her so she will always know how much you loved her. I could sit here and write to you for hours , I miss you terribly my life is not the same without you . I hope and pray that everything I learned about when people pass on they get to be with the people we lost. And you are celebrating with them dancing and having the best time you could have. I love you and miss you always be in my heart happy birthday my beautiful angel
If you're just starting the healing process, here are some thoughts I hope help:
They say your first love in this life is your Mother. You literally come from her, and maybe that’s why -- whether it’s sudden and untimely or expected after a long illness -- her death is so colossal. It feels like a part of you dies. It feels like a literal heart break.
Yet, a part us heals just a little bit each time kindness touches our hearts. Compassion. Empathy. Understanding. Comforting words. A listening ear. Even self-care that allows these uncomfortable feelings to just be.
WHAT TO EXPECT
Losing your Mother is hard. It's one of the hardest things we will ever experience in our life.
I honestly didn’t realize the depth of this, as much as I loved my Mom. I had true compassion for others who’ve lost theirs, but did not know anything about this kind of pain until my own Mom died.
There is no manual for life and certainly no manual in advance that prepares us for this day or how to get through it. One of my first, raw words I spoke to a friend after my Mom's sudden death was, “I don’t know how to do this."
The reality is, we usually don't learn how to process grief until we are there. Here are a few things I wish I had known, that I’d like to share:
• It’s primal pain. I had known hurt and loss in my life, but I had never experienced anything like this. It hit me to my core. It was a searing, aching, overwhelming pain. You not only miss the physical body of your Mother, but her essence.
• There is no timeline. Everyone grieves differently.
* There's no right way to grieve. There's no wrong way to grieve.
• Our world may suddenly feel like it’s been turned upside down.
*It can feel shocking and overwhelming on every level. First in losing her, then in feeling like you're losing yourself.
• It feels surreal. You knew this day would one day come, but you’re never truly prepared for the devastating reality.
*You feel powerless.
*The loss feels unbearable. It's not only losing her in your life now, it's also losing her presence in every aspect of your life going forward. That's when the magnitude really hits hard.
• Throw "The Five Stages of Grief" out the window. This book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was written to describe the emotional progression of people who are coping with illness and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Kubler-Ross herself later said the stages were never intended to describe or reflect how people grieve.
* People in grief usually experience some or all of these emotions, plus dozens more.
* A visit through koo-koo-ville is usually among the most shocking, No, you're not going crazy. You're in grief.
*Grief is not linear. I wanted stages to check off and be through it, but it’s not that easy.
• You can expect to experience a roller coaster ride of emotions, from shock, numbness, devastating sadness, anger, irritability, guilt, regret, depression and more. It may change day to day, and sometime hour by hour or minute by minute.
* It's common to feel abandoned in some way. Alone. Lost.
* The first 3 months are the hardest. The pain hits like a massive tsunami, but it eases in time. Please know this is hardest part, but it won't last forever. This is when you really need to hold on. Remember to breathe.
* It's common to play the last days, weeks and/or moments of your Mother's passing in a loop in your head. There may be unending questions that are difficult to shake at first, but in time you will.
* Early on, it's quite common to feel tinges of jealousy or envy when you see mothers & daughters together. You're not being petty, you're in pain.
* It's suddenly very difficult, if not maddening, to hear people complain about their mothers. "At least you have a mother."
*You may need to need to talk about your Mom a lot, especially in the beginning. Sharing stories keeps her alive and can feel comforting.
* It's also common to have difficulty concentrating or even making simple decisions. Try not to make any big decisions, especially in the first several months to a year until your mind is less foggy.
* It is very natural for even the most social people to retreat and isolate while processing so much. I called it my "cocooning" phase. Don't let anyone push you to socialize until you're ready.
*You are not being selfish if you focus on your healing. You are practicing self-care.
• Grief can feel exhausting. Just when you think you might be through it, another wave may hit you.
* A "grief ambush" may hit at any time and by total surprise. One minute you may be doing the dishes, and the next moment bursting out into tears. It just sneaks up on you.
* You'll quickly learn what "triggers" you -- it could be a song, a particular holiday, a place, a smell, etc. In time, the sting will lesson and you become better prepared when you do bump up against them.
• You may find yourself reacting in ways that even shock you. Anger, early on, is a big one. It’s quite common to wonder, “Am I going crazy?” The flood of emotions may feel like a shock to your nervous system. I felt like mine had been fried. That surge of emotions will need to work their way out of your body and they come up to be healed.
• It’s very common to not feel like “you” as you process so many emotions.
*Mood swings are normal through this.
*You may walk around looking "normal" on the outside, but empty of anything other than pain and emotional exhaustion on the inside. You're a "Grief Zombie."
*I lost patience for small talk or anything petty. What really matters in life really gets put into focus fast.
• You will probably find yourself suddenly very accident prone. You are likely to be more scattered, “in your head and out of your body.”
• Focusing is difficult.
* Doing simple things or too many tasks may feel overwhelming. Try not to take on too much. It's OK to say, "No."
* Your sleep patterns may change. Bouts of insomnia are quite common.
* Grief may burrow in deep if you ignore it, only to come up in explosive ways later. You can try to cover it up -- or temporarily "soothe" yourself -- with drugs, alcohol, shopping... any distraction so you don't feel the uncomfortable feelings, but that usually makes things worse. It also prolongs the process toward healing.
* Still, don't beat yourself up if you just can't face reality just yet. Be gentle with yourself. This isn't about perfection; it's about surviving and doing the best you can.
• You may begin to look at life differently. Change your priorities. Life purpose changes.
* You may struggle with what feels like an identity crisis. It's an identity shift: "Who am I without my mother?"
*In time, mothering and nurturing yourself is a way to fill the void she leaves, and you might also feel her when you do.
• Your family dynamics may change.
*If your Mom was "the glue" of the family, things can fall apart. When this happens, it feels like a secondary loss to grieve.
* You may find you no longer have time or patience for unbalanced, draining relationships. This clarity means cutting certain toxic people out of your life... and it can feel freeing.
* If you see someone who reminds you of your Mother, your heart will race and you may stop cold, tear up or want desperately to go up and hug her.
*Almost everyone experiences those first few sleepy moments of the day when you wake up and feel normal, until it all hits you again. She's gone.
* Emotional pain can be just as debilitating as physical pain, you just don't see a cast or bandage. Both take time to heal.
* Suicidal thoughts are scary, but common. We may be feelings that we don't want to live in a world without our mothers or we just want to be with her. These feelings are understandable when you're in deep pain, and they will pass. Please remember every emotion you feel is valid, but temporary. Reach out to someone who "gets it" and, hopefully, you'll "get through it" with a little more ease.
* Seeking professional help is important when you need extra support. That is practicing self-care.
*It's common to wonder am I depressed or grieving? You will feel depressed while in grief. I'm not a doctor, but it seems depression as a general state has a chemical component and medication can help. Grieving is an emotional process and, to me, medication seems to cover it up. Still, I needed a little help early on with severe anxiety and depression, then decided to work through these emotions without them when I was ready. You've got to do whatever feels right for you.
• You may begin to obsess about your own safety and security, and worry about the mortality of others you love.
* There is no end point, but the pain of grieving will soften in time.
* One day you may wake up and just be tired of being sad. The rock bottom of grief can feel like the beginning of a new day. It can help you move forward.
* You will grieve in some way for the rest of your life. It's natural... she was your Mom.
* Grief changes you forever.
In the beginning, you will feel very raw. This is natural. Change or the unknown can feel very scary. Loss of this magnitude can be excruciating and overwhelming in ways we just don’t know how to process.
"GRIEF WORK" vs. ALLOWING A NATURAL PROCESS TO UNFOLD
I really dislike the term "grief work." I didn't want one more obligation or pressure hanging over me. The reality is, grief happens whether you work with it or not.
Healing shouldn't be an added struggle.
Grief is really about surrender. It's about being brave enough to be vulnerable.
When you are ready, you start to recognize your feelings are natural, your reactions are very common and you just need to ride through some uncomfortable times. The waves get smaller in time, and you learn how to navigate them.
For me, I looked at it like an emotional rip tide. The more you fight it, the harder it is. Like a rip tide, if you go with the (emotional) currents, you are eventually taken safely to shore.
It's all about allowing uncomfortable feelings to be. Look at them, honor them, step back and know they are temporary. Just keep breathing.
HOW LONG WILL THIS PAIN LAST?
There’s no timeline on grief and everyone’s process is different. A person’s emotional makeup, the circumstances surrounding the death, the relationship with you Mother all factor in.
I was unmarried, not in a significant relationship, and had no children. My Mother was loving, kind, vivacious, funny, fiercely loyal and vibrant: Her death was sudden and unexpected.
I didn’t even realize how much my Mom was my center of gravity until I lost her.
Everyone’s story is different. Everyone’s process is different.
The first 3-6 months are generally the hardest for most as you’re working through not only your pain, but usually putting her personal affairs in order.
It takes a full year just to get through all the “firsts” without her: Birthdays, Mother's Day, the holidays, anniversaries, special dates.
Some people say it takes a good year or two just to start to feel “normal” again. Even then, it's very common to then feel like it changes you in some way forever.
Most everyone agrees there’s a period of adjustments to work through and the less you judge yourself, the more you accept whatever comes up, is good for your healing.
I don’t think I’ve met anyone who ever truly “gets over” a loss like this. You adjust. In time, hopefully, you accept and create a “new normal” -- a new you and a new life structure -- without the physical presence of your Mother.
THERE IS NO WAY OUT, BUT THERE'S A WAY THROUGH:
People who lose their Mother, especially those who were close to them, are in a club only they understand. They promise this crushing pain will ease in time.
You’ll never “get over it,” but you will survive it.
Just after I lost my Mom, I remember crying with my oldest friend, wondering how I was going to get through this excruciating pain. I was shattered. Devastated.
She told me: "You've already survived the worst day of your life so far, and that was the day your Mom died. You will survive this. We're going to get through this together."
She never left my side and she lives halfway across the country. It's not about who is in front of you, it's about who is "present."
Having people like her and others who intimately know the pain of loss, who can relate, who have true compassion and don't judge, help more than anything.
LEANING FORWARD
Ultimately, you heal through grief, not from it. You walk through it.
It’s a sometimes messy process that brings with it a roller coaster ride of emotions. There’s no predictability to the process.
You may lose people along the way as your priorities change.
You will see who is there when you really need them. Ultimately, you'll tighten the circle of people you can count on. You will recognize who and what really matters in your life.
It's all a process. It's your process.
The most important thing to remember right now is this: If you’re grieving, you’re healing... and you're not alone.
© 2018 Elalne Mallon, All Rights Reserved
Hi my beautiful mom
I can’t believe today is the month that you were gone he feels like you just left yesterday I miss you so much I keep turning around waiting and looking around hoping that I’m going to see you and I just can’t believe that this happened to you and my heart aches so much I feel such a huge emptiness inside of me not having you with me I was so used to being with you day in and day out I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life I know I used to tell you I like to be alone and how my time alone when I would tell you I’d like to go into room and close the door and just watch my shows , You told me that I would regret saying that the only thing I regret is I don’t wanna be without you and I do feel very alone but in a different way.. I hope you’re resting in peace I knew with everyone that you love so much and miss so much like daddy & Vinny and grandma and aunt Phyllis and uncle Ambrose and Nancy and aunt Jenny and Marietta and aunt Rosie and so on this so many angels we lost. Just know in r in my heart every day and I will not let my children and granddaughter forget about you. You were the best to everyone
I love and miss you
Hi my beautiful mom
One month ago today this horrible nightmare became real
I am missing so so much It hurts so much I keep telling my family that I want to go to u and it kills me ur not here.. I ask over and over how could this be true! I don’t have my best friend to talk to or do things with. I tell Daniella every time I see her Your great grandma loved you so much I even made her up a book of pictures to see all the times she and u were together, I promise I’ll never let her forget your love.. its a bittersweet feeling Because all u wanted was to kiss her all over and see her talking.. well I kiss her a thousand kisses from u and u would love that little voice of hers talking more and more. I see u in her Especially her sense of humor
I miss u and love u more than words can say.. oh my beautiful loving mother
Mom,
Today grandma birthday I hope you are are together celebrating with everyone. I know you missed grandma Vinny Daddy Aunt Phylilis uncle Ambrose Aunt Nancy Aunt Jenny and so many angels. I missing more and more every day. I can’t believe you aren’t here with me anymore. We did so much together and talked a couple times a day It hurts so much being away from you. I still keep praying I’m having a nightmare. I love u so much.
Mommy
I can’t breathe without you. I feel such a huge part of me is gone. You were my world, we went everywhere and did so much together. Talked about everything I love you so I want to be with you so much I was I could have a place to run to and see u hug, laugh , yell , and cry together. My world is nothing without. Yes I have my family to live for, but it is going to be easy we had to share so much more.
Oh my beautiful strong funny nutty mom I love u
Hi my beautiful mom
Things aren’t getting any easier without you. I know I said I couldn’t take u being there anymore.. I just wanted you home. But now I take u there or anywhere than gone. I can’t believe the feeling of being lost and empty in side. I miss seeing your beautiful smile and u crazy humor... you tried to be strong for so long, I will always remember what a strong lady you were. You life was easy but when it came to you children and grandchildren You loved compelty. I miss u so much. You will be in our hearts every day. Even made Daniella a book of pictures of you and her so she always remembers great grandma Pauline loves her .
Love Always ur patty
Everything I do I think of you. Everywyi go I wish I was taking u again soon. My heart hurts so much. Miss being with and tell one another everything.. I want u to came home u belong with ur loved ones.. I love u more than y’all ever kno..
Good morning mommy
Oh how I am missing you. I saying I am really to get things done in house and come visit you. But that isn’t happening because u are not here. Every day and night the hours I would visit u Something in side sets off, I guess it’s like a clock inside knowing my routine.. 6 Months of visits 7 days a week I am lost!! Oh mom my heart feels dead I need my best friend back! Everyone says people grieve differently but everyone has their own relationships in the relationship we had was very rare because we were best friends we talked about everything we never argued we were always there for each other through good or a bad oh I love you so much I can’t believe you’re not here I want to hold you like want to kiss you I want to tell you how much I love you
Mommy , today went to cvs and I wanted to come by to see u. It’s like in my heart and head Still can’t believe u r no longer here with us. Even the cemetery I always felt like a kind of peace that I was with Vinny and daddy, but I expect u to be with me visiting them. It’s such a emptyness inside of me. Your my mom my best friend I loved u more than words can say.. I hope u are all together and feeling peace. I love you mean it
Hi Mom
Tomorrow u would be coming home. I can’t believe you are gone. You live in my heart every day. You were the greatest mother, wife, grandma, great grandma, sister , Aunt and friend. You were loved more than words can express.
Always & forever in our hearts
Pauline, you are sorely missed. The last hours with you will stay with me forever. I kissed you goodbye in the hospital and whispered, "please watch over Michael and all others. Please watch over all of your children and grandchildren. I love our memories and the love you have inside, you take it with you.
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